Cutting Weed$’ is Soon to Be a Labor of Love
Sam Venable
Department of Irony
Like fishermen, fisherwomen and fisherkids around the country, I’m up to my waders in fishing-related material right now.
Fishing catalogs. Fishing magazines. Fishing TV shows. Plus fishing blog posts, fishing websites, fishing videos, aka piscatorial porn.
The people who generate this stuff have us at their mercy. They know we suffer cabin fever something awful this time of year. All it takes is the mere suggestion that spring awaits “somewhere out there,” and we addicts can’t hand over our credit cards fast enough.
This year, however, it wasn’t the latest, greatest, most-innovative, sure-nuff, guaranteed, oughta-be-outlawed lure or technique that caught my eye. Instead, it was an online story about the wonders of hydrilla.
For those whose closest association to water is a shower stall or bourbon-and-a-splash, let me explain: Hydrilla is an invasive aquatic plant that has found a home in reservoirs throughout the Southeast. Kinda like milfoil and the myriad other species of “freshwater seaweed” that grow in our lakes.
Rarely do people have mixed feelings about this flora. As a TVA director once told me: “It’s the No. 1 thing I hear about from lake users. They either hate the stuff or they love it.”
Waterskiers, pleasure boaters and lakefront property owners are in the “hate” category. To them, aquatic veggies are not only an eyesore, they also impede freedom of outboard propulsion. Sorta like driving down the interstate and having to dodge broken glass, bags of garbage, old tires and chunks of metal.
Duck hunters and anglers fall under the “love” category. Hydrilla and milfoil provide a great source of food for waterfowl, plus excellent habitat for fish.
But the online fishing story that I saw described a novel use for hydrilla.
Health food. And I promise, scout’s honor, I’m not making this up.
Powder made from dried hydrilla apparently is a popular dietary supplement. It’s loaded with vitamins, minerals and antioxidants. Stirred into a smoothie, or taken straight with water, it’s supposed to turn the proverbial 97-pound weakling into Superman.
It’s expensive as all get-out, too. One online source I checked was offering a 1-pound bag for $130.
Wow. Lord knows there’s plenty of raw material floating around. I say let the harvest begin!
And so: If you happen to be on Fort Loudoun, Melton Hill, Watts Bar, Chickamauga, Guntersville or other TVA lake this summer and see a 17-year-old boy standing in the bow of a 17-foot bass boat, holding the legs and feet of a 76-year-old croak who is whacking furiously with a machete, think nothing of it.
It’ll just be Yours Truly and grandson doing our part to make a few bucks; uh, I mean help Americans stay healthy.
Sam Venable is an author, comedic entertainer, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. His latest book is “The Joke’s on YOU! (All I Did Was Clean Out My Files).”
He may be reached at sam.venable@outlook.com.